I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
