the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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