why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
