I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
