matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
