I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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