I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
