The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Terrible idea I love it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
