My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
