Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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