My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
