You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
