god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
