You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
