you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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