nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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