the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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