sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
