are you still at the devil's house?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
