My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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