we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
