I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
