I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
