apparently the secret to your success is patron
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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