Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
