It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
