you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
