On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
