I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
