Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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