Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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