so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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