I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
