Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
