I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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