It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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