Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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