I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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