I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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