So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
