I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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