She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You should frame my arrest warrant.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
