the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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