So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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