I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
