I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
