so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
