I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
