I smell stomach acid.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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