Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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