Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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