maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
