I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
