I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
