Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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