you turned your livingroom into a bong?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
