how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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