I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
