I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
