she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
