Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize