She went from zero to smokin in five shots
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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