His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize