Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
