just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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