I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
