just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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