"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
