cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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