I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
