You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
