I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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